Capuchin Monkey Can Succeed Graham

The Senator from the Palmetto Canopy

The rollout had begun, as important Washington rollouts often do, with a leak everyone was instructed not to confirm.

Shortly after sunrise, selected reporters received a message from a senior administration official describing the President’s preferred successor to Senator Graham as “an estimable and energetic public figure with deep personal loyalty, tremendous instincts, and an unmatched ability to connect with ordinary Americans.”

The message did not mention that the nominee weighed eleven pounds.

Rasputin and the Tsarina...and Mr. Throttlebottom-Smith

Rasputin and Mr. Throttlebottom-Smith

In the last years of Nicholas II, the Russian Empire possessed nearly everything required for catastrophe: an uncertain tsar, an anxious empress, a sick heir, mutinous ministers, revolutionary pamphlets, and a Siberian holy man who knew that any crackpot opinion sounded inspired if delivered slowly enough. 

History has omitted only a capuchin monkey who indeed avoided the limelight.

Mr. Throttlebottom-Smith arrived at the Alexander Palace in a wicker crate marked ECCLESIASTICAL OBJECTS—DO NOT SHAKE. By evening he had opened three cabinets, stolen a wax pear, and mastered enough of the palace ventilation system to move between floors without consulting either the servants or the laws of architecture. 

It was inevitable that he should meet Rasputin.

I. The Sickroom

The Tsarevich Alexei lay pale beneath embroidered covers while Alexandra knelt beside him and Nicholas stood behind her.   Rasputin entered smelling of damp peasant coat, incense, and Rasputin. He prayed over the boy, crossed him - and promised he would recover. 

The doctors exchanged the irritated glances of men whose patient had improved but by unauthorized means.

High in a carved corner of the room, Mr. Throttlebottom-Smith watched. The scene contained tall candles, swinging tassels, medical instruments, and six distracted Romanovs.  Under ordinary circumstances this setup offered him unlimited professional opportunities for chaos. 

Yet the monkey remained perfectly still.   Rasputin finally looked up and saw it. Mr. Throttlebottom-Smith placed one finger to his lips.  

But it was not respect. It was reconnaissance.

II. The Nursery

A few evenings later, Rasputin sat beside the beds of the teens, Olga and Tatiana, while the younger children gathered around in their nightclothes. 

Suddenly struck by a walnut, Rasputin paused, distracted.  On the curtain rail, Mr. Throttlebottom-Smith appeared to be studying the ceiling.  But no sooner had Rasputin turned to see a lightning bolt outside, another walnut bounced off his head.  

The monkey descended, seized Rasputin’s hat, placed it first on Alexei.  He raised one hand in an unmistakable parody of a blessing. The children scattered laughing, while Rasputin rose and took an angry swipe in the monkey's direction.  

Mr. Throttlebottom-Smith answered by dropping his hat into the chamber pot.

Thus began one of the great personal rivalries of the twentieth century.

III. Statecraft, Followed by Combat

It was deep in the night, past 1 a.m.  Rasputin was still discussing affairs of state with Nicholas and Alexandra. The palace staff stood nearby, glaring and yawning.

“The Minister of War must go,” Rasputin declared.

Nicholas sighed. “On what grounds?”

“He eats pears with a knife.”

Alexandra frowned gravely.

But at the precise moment the holy man began explaining that Providence had chosen him to guide Europe, a mechanical bird flew from the imperial toy cabinet and lodged in his beard.

Rasputin roared.

The monkey now appeared on the mantelpiece holding a slingshot. He fired, and a sugared almond struck Rasputin squarely in the forhead.  The security detail immediately swept Nicholas and Alexandra through a side door.  

Like a scene from a Marvel picture, monk and monkey charged at each other.   Rasputin swung a fireplace brush, and the monkey retaliated with a candlestick. Rasputin hurled a cushion. Mr. Throttlebottom-Smith hurled back a silver tea service. 

The monkey landed on Rasputin's shoulders, seized his beard with both hands, and steered him like a distressed horse.  Rasputin staggered backward against a tall window. It flew open.

For one magnificent instant he balanced on the sill, arms spread and beard blowing in the icy wind.  The monkey gave one more push and Rasputin tipped backward out the window.

There was a long cry, a distant crash into the river's ice.

Coda at Daybreak

At dawn, the imperial children searched the palace for Rasputin. They found instead, the monkey Mr. Throttlebottom-Smith on the roof beside a chimney, as he examined an elaborate gold cross on a heavy chain, and watched the sunrise through its gems.

Then he noticed the children.  Maria crossed herself. Anastasia smiled. Alexei said nothing.

Mr. Throttlebottom-Smith looked at them, looked at the cross, and dropped it down a ventilation chute. 

And now the monkey let loose with a torrent of shrieks, clicks, and Capuchin screams. The children agreed: Better not to speak of what we've just seen.

And so, on December 30, 1916 - the Death of Rasputin.

A Legal Originalist Inteprets the Gettysburg Address ("Long")

The Original Public Meaning of “Not Long Remember”

The Original Public Meaning of “Not Long Remember”

Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address presents a problem that admirers have too readily evaded. Lincoln said that “the world will little note, nor long remember what we say here.” Yet the world has remembered the speech. The usual explanation is that Lincoln was being modest, rhetorical, or poetic. Such explanations are emotionally satisfying and therefore deserve suspicion.

The originalist question is what an ordinary listener at Gettysburg on November 19, 1863, would have understood "not long" to mean. The operative expression is not “long.” It is “not long,” especially “not long remember [what we say].”

All of these distinctions matter. “Long” has no fixed duration. Magellan’s voyage was long. An Icelandic winter is long. Even Edward Everett’s preceding address was also long, although apparently Lincoln was too polite to say so, even in jest.  Our originalist issue is how we establish, how long a spoken remark may be remembered before the remembering becomes “long remembering.”

The phrase “not long” has an independent usage. A host who says dinner will be ready “before long” does not mean before Magellan returns. A railway notice promising that passengers will not be “long delayed” invokes a different scale from a historian’s observation that an empire did not long survive its founder. Original public meaning cannot be recovered by ranking every nineteenth-century use of “long,” averaging all the durations, and announcing a result.

The relevant comparison class is narrower: the memory of spoken words at a public ceremony.

This directs attention to Lincoln’s audience. They had just listened to Everett for hours. Lincoln spoke for several minutes. A reasonable listener may have understood “not long remember” to mean that Lincoln’s remarks would fade from memory sooner than Everett had finished delivering his. On that reading, Lincoln predicted that the Address would be forgotten within two hours.

But a competing interpretation would measure by the interval between the ceremony and supper.If “not long remember” referred to such lived experience, the proposition could have been tested by asking attendees to repeat what they remember.

Dictionaries cannot settle the issue. They tell us that “long” denotes an extended duration, but not how extended, nor relative to what. The record should therefore include diaries describing forgotten sermons, accounts of speeches that remained “long remembered,” and letters in which hearers admitted that they could no longer recall an oration delivered earlier that afternoon. Sermons may be especially useful because congregants often had both motive and opportunity to forget them.

Railroad timetables and patent-medicine advertisements, although promising, should be used only as controls. “Not long delayed” and “relief before long” illuminate “not long,” but not the construction “not long remember a verbal speech.” We now know that context is not an intrusion upon originalism. 

Some may object that Lincoln was contrasting words with deeds, not making a measurable forecast about memory. But that substitutes literary purpose for semantic meaning, and we rank the words first. Lincoln chose “not long remember.” We are not free to replace it a paraphrase that is nobler.

Summary

The original public meaning of “not long remember” must be determined from how people in 1863 understood the persistence of memory for spoken remarks. Preliminary evidence suggests a duration shorter than a major public address and perhaps shorter than the interval before supper.

Lincoln’s statement may therefore be rendered:

“The world will little note, nor continue to remember for more than about ninety minutes what we say here.”

That conclusion may seem improbable. But subsequent fame and familiarity cannot amend original meaning. It can only show that Lincoln, for once, underestimated the durability of his own prose. 

Emily Dickinson - and Capuchin Monkey Mr. Throttlebottom-Smith

Emily Dickinson and Mr. Throttlebottom-Smith

The curtain rises.

Amherst, Massachusetts.  Morning.

A plain kitchen. A wooden table stands beside a window overlooking the garden. The light is gray and New England. A teacup. A small vase of flowers. A neat stack of folded paper. An ink bottle. A goose quill.

At the table sits Emily Dickinson.

She has been contemplating a single adjective for nearly eighteen minutes.

She writes one word.  She crosses it out.

She writes another.  She gazes thoughtfully out the window.

She writes a dash.  She wonders whether the dash should be slightly longer.

Then, from somewhere above the pantry—

THUMP.

A furry object lands squarely on the table.

It is Mr. Throttlebottom-Smith. He is carrying the sugar bowl.  "Good morning," she says quietly.  Mr. Throttlebottom-Smith answers by wearing the sugar bowl as a hat.

Emily returns to her poem.

Hope—is the thing with—

Before she can write "feathers," the monkey has seized the quill. Capuchins, zoologists tell us, possess extraordinary manual dexterity.  Mr. Throttlebottom-Smith discovers that quills make delightful paintbrushes when dipped into ink and vigorously shaken.

The kitchen ceiling now contains several observations in creative punctuation.  A large comma slowly descends the wallpaper.

She resumes.

Because I could not stop for—

Mr. Throttlebottom-Smith cannot stop for anything.

He has discovered the wastebasket.  Wastebaskets, in the capuchin imagination, exist chiefly to determine whether their contents are happier distributed across a wider area.

Now Mr. Throttlebottom-Smith has become fascinated by the ticking clock.  He studies it intently.  His head tilts.   

Emily, recognizing the direction of inquiry, quietly moves the clock into another room.  This merely postpones the experiment.

---

A Lyric Interlude

I dwell in Possibility—
A fair and spacious Room—
Unless a Monkey enters there—
Then every Shelf is Doom.

The Ink—ascends the Ceiling—
The Teacups disappear—
The Dash survives—but only if
He has no Interest—there.

# # #

Late in the afternoon the monkey returns and discovers the stack of finished poem.  He flips rapidly through the pages.  He pauses.  His little brow furrows. He seems, improbably, to be reading.

Emily waits. Then the monkey pulls off the  final sheet and folds it into a paper hat.

# # # 

Evening settles over Amherst. The monkey has finally exhausted himself. 

Much Madness—is divinest Sense—

She pauses. Looks affectionately toward the sleeping capuchin. Then adds, almost as a private note to herself:

"Though some varieties are undeniably louder than others."

Robert Frost, But With Playful Capuchin Monkey

 Stopping by Woods with Mr. Throttlebottom-Smith

Normally Robert Frost had the advantage of traveling alone.

Solitude permits one to contemplate the moral weight of dark woods, falling snow, and obligations yet unmet.

It does not permit a capuchin monkey named Mr. Throttlebottom-Smith to discover that snow can be packed into projectiles with astonishing speed.

The woods were white beneath the sky,
He launched a snowball at my eye.
I sought for peace, for calm, for grace—
He stuffed a pinecone in my face.

One does not own a capuchin monkey.  One merely carries insurance.

###

Nature chatters. It squeaks. It argues. It pecks. It rustles. It conducts endless committee meetings among squirrels.

He climbed the harness, climbed a tree,
Declared them both his property.
He bowed as though he'd won a throne;
The horse rolled both his eyes alone.

Scientific observers describe capuchins as tool users.

Quite right.

Mr. Throttlebottom-Smith discovered that icicles make excellent conducting batons.  

Every branch is a ladder.  Every unattended hat deserves immediate relocation.

The woods were lovely, yes indeed;
But monkeys have a higher speed,
And I had miles before my bed,
To find my boots, my hat, my sled,
To recover dignity gone cheap,
And then perhaps, to get some sleep.

As we departed, Mr. Throttlebottom-Smith looked back toward the snowy woods with unmistakable affection.

Then he stole my scarf. 

MIT Researchers Propose a New Benchmark for AI: The Quatrain?

 

MIT Researchers Propose a New Benchmark for AI: Can It Write a Funny Quatrain?

CAMBRIDGE, Mass.—Researchers at MIT have posted a new preprint on arXiv proposing what may be the most unexpected large language model benchmark to date. Rather than measuring mathematical reasoning, coding accuracy, legal analysis, or scientific knowledge, the authors ask a different question:

Can the model write a genuinely amusing four-line poem?

The paper has not been peer reviewed, but it has already attracted considerable discussion among AI researchers, computational linguists, and, perhaps inevitably, English professors who until this week had successfully avoided machine learning.

The benchmark, provisionally titled the Light Verse Performance Index (LVPI), is deceptively simple. Models of AI are presented with short prompts requesting lightly humorous quatrains in a variety of styles: Victorian whimsy, newspaper doggerel, New England understatement, mock epic, and affectionate parody.  A final category is described at length, but with admirable precision, as "the sort of verse one uncle insists on reading after Thanksgiving dinner."

Unlike many existing benchmarks, answers cannot be judged by factual correctness. Instead, each response receives independent ratings for meter, rhyme, originality, semantic coherence, and—most controversially—whether at least two of three human readers actually smile.

That final criterion has proven divisive.  One reviewer reportedly objected that smiling is not reproducible across laboratories.  The authors replied that neither is humor.

---

Several frontier models were evaluated, including Galileo, multiple versions of Claude (among them the recently released Claude Fabel), ChatGPT, Gemini, and other state-of-the-art systems. Unsurprisingly, all demonstrated near-perfect grammatical competence. The more interesting finding was how differently they approached comedy.

Some preferred clever wordplay.  Some leaned toward literary allusion.  Some produced technically impeccable verse that left evaluators with the tinny feeling that they had just attended... an efficient meeting about laughter.

Others displayed a curious willingness to risk an actual joke.

The MIT authors reported that a successful quatrain must satisfy numerous simultaneous constraints: rhyme, rhythm, narrative, brevity, surprise, and tone. It is, in miniature, a constrained optimization problem about wearing a funny hat.

---

The study also introduces a secondary metric called Delayed Appreciation Time, with the early consensus being that DAT's a good metric.

DAT measures how long readers continue thinking about a quatrain after finishing it. 

The highest-scoring systems were not always those whose first draft generated the biggest laugh. Rather, they tended to produce verses that became funnier after thirty seconds, as readers saw an internal callback or an unexpectedly elegant rhyme. 

---

Whether the Light Verse Performance Index becomes a standard benchmark or merely a memorable footnote in the history of artificial intelligence remains uncertain. Closing the press conference, one of the authors summarized:

They ranked the bots by jokes they'd spin,
Though no one quite knew how to score.
We measured wit—but learned therein
That laughter asks for something more.

WENN- WANN in German

 I was taught that in german, use WENN when I would use "if" in English. When I would use "when" in English, use WANN. 

I see that in real German, they often use "WENN" when I would use WHEN in English not IF. Please explain my puzzlement.

Your teacher’s rule is a good first approximation, but it collapses three different English uses into one word.

The better rule is:

WANN = “at what time?”
WENN = “if / when / whenever,” in a condition or time-clause
OB = “whether / if,” in an indirect yes-no question
ALS = “when,” for a single event in the past

1. Wann is really a question word

Use wann when the issue is the time.

Wann kommst du?
When are you coming?

Ich weiß nicht, wann er kommt.
I don’t know when he is coming.

That second one is an indirect question, so German still uses wann.

This is probably where your puzzlement comes from. English sometimes uses if loosely where German is really asking about a time.

For example:

Sag mir, wann du fertig bist.
Tell me when you’re finished.

In English, someone might also say:

Let me know if you’re finished.

But German hears two different meanings:

Sag mir, wann du fertig bist.
Tell me when you are finished — I assume you will be finished; I want the time.

Sag mir, ob du fertig bist.
Tell me if/whether you are finished — I do not know whether you are finished at all.

So if you see wann where English might say “if,” German is usually not using wann to mean conditional “if.” It is using wann to mean at what time.

2. Wenn covers both English “if” and “when”

German wenn is broader than English if. It can mean either conditional if or temporal when, especially for future, present, repeated, or general situations.

Wenn es regnet, bleiben wir zu Hause.
If it rains, we’ll stay home.

Wenn ich nach Hause komme, rufe ich dich an.
When I get home, I’ll call you.

Wenn ich Kaffee trinke, schlafe ich schlecht.
When / whenever I drink coffee, I sleep badly.

So the English distinction between if and when is often not made by German wenn. Context does the work.

3. Ob is “if” meaning “whether”

This is the other big trap. English if often means whether, especially after verbs like “know,” “ask,” “wonder,” “tell me,” “check,” “see.”

I don’t know if he is coming.
Ich weiß nicht, ob er kommt.

Not:

Ich weiß nicht, wenn er kommt.

Different meaning:

Ich weiß nicht, wann er kommt.
I don’t know when he is coming.

So:

Ich weiß nicht, ob er kommt.
I don’t know whether he is coming at all.

Ich weiß nicht, wann er kommt.
I know or assume he is coming, but I don’t know at what time.

4. Als is “when” for one past event

For a single completed event in the past, German usually uses als, not wenn and not wann.

Als ich ein Kind war, lebte ich in Chicago.
When I was a child, I lived in Chicago.

Als ich ihn sah, war er krank.
When I saw him, he was sick.

But for repeated past events, use wenn:

Wenn ich ihn besuchte, tranken wir Kaffee.
Whenever I visited him, we drank coffee.

The practical cheat sheet

English idea	German
When? At what time?	wann
I don’t know when…	Ich weiß nicht, wann…
If / when as a condition	wenn
Whether / if	ob
When, one specific past event	als
Whenever	immer wenn / wenn
If, more explicitly conditional	falls

The key correction

Your original rule said:

English if = German wenn
English when = German wann

But German actually divides the world differently:

wann asks for a time.
wenn introduces a condition or recurring/future time situation.
ob means whether.
als means when for one past event.

So your eyes are not deceiving you. Real German will often use wenn where English says “when,” and it will use wann inside indirect time-questions where English might colloquially use “if.”

Exactly. Your instinct is very natural, because English uses when in both of these:

1. When are you coming home?
2. When I come home, I’ll call you.

But German treats these as different structures.

The core distinction

Wann means: “at what time?”

Wenn means: “at the time that / in the event that / whenever.”

So:

Wann kommst du nach Hause?
When are you coming home?
Literally: At what time are you coming home?

But:

Wenn ich nach Hause komme, rufe ich dich an.
When I come home, I’ll call you.

Here you are not asking for the time. You are setting up a situation:
in the situation where I come home, I will call you.

German hears this as a condition-like time clause, so it uses wenn.

A very literal, clunky English version would be:

If/when I get home, I’ll call you.

Not “at what time I get home, I’ll call you.”

A test that helps

Ask yourself: can I replace “when” with “at what time”?

If yes, use wann.

When are you coming?
At what time are you coming?
Wann kommst du?

I don’t know when he arrives.
I don’t know at what time he arrives.
Ich weiß nicht, wann er ankommt.

But:

When I arrive, I’ll call.
At what time I arrive, I’ll call. ❌
Wenn ich ankomme, rufe ich an.

So in your sentence:

Wenn ich nach Hause komme, rufe ich dich an.

The “when” does not mean at what time. It means once / as soon as / in the event that.

Another way to feel it

German wann is mostly a question-word, even inside a sentence:

Wann kommst du?
When are you coming?

Ich weiß nicht, wann du kommst.
I don’t know when you are coming.

Sag mir, wann du kommst.
Tell me when you are coming.

In all of these, wann is asking about the time.

But wenn starts a subordinate clause that gives the circumstance:

Wenn du kommst, machen wir Kaffee.
When you come, we’ll make coffee.

Wenn ich Zeit habe, helfe ich dir.
If/when I have time, I’ll help you.

Wenn es dunkel wird, gehen wir nach Hause.
When it gets dark, we’ll go home.

These are not asking what time? They are saying under that circumstance.

Your exact example

Wenn ich nach Hause komme, rufe ich dich an.

This means:

I will call you once I get home.

You could also say:

Sobald ich nach Hause komme, rufe ich dich an.
As soon as I get home, I’ll call you.

That may feel more intuitive to an English speaker, because sobald avoids the “if/when” confusion.

But wann would sound wrong here:

Wann ich nach Hause komme, rufe ich dich an. ❌

That sounds like:
“At what time I come home, I’ll call you,” which is not idiomatic.

You could use wann only if the whole clause is about knowing, asking, saying, finding out, etc., the time:

Ich weiß nicht, wann ich nach Hause komme.
I don’t know when I’ll come home.

Ich sage dir später, wann ich nach Hause komme.
I’ll tell you later when I’m coming home.

But:

Wenn ich nach Hause komme, sage ich es dir.
When I get home, I’ll tell you.

That’s the key contrast:

Ich sage dir, wann ich nach Hause komme.
I’ll tell you what time I’m coming home.

Ich sage dir, wenn ich nach Hause komme.
I’ll tell you when/once I come home.

In German, those are sharply different.

I see it, but it will still be tricky to remember and to use at the speed of conversation!

Yes — and at conversation speed, the goal is not to run a grammar table in your head. You need a reflex.

Use this reflex:

Wann = “what time?”

If the sentence is asking, directly or indirectly, what time?, use wann.

Wann kommst du nach Hause?
What time are you coming home?

Ich weiß nicht, wann ich nach Hause komme.
I don’t know what time I’ll come home.

Sag mir, wann du ankommst.
Tell me what time you arrive.

So you can mentally translate wann as:

at what time

If “at what time” fits, wann is probably right.

Wenn = “once / if / whenever”

If the clause means once something happens, if something happens, or whenever something happens, use wenn.

Wenn ich nach Hause komme, rufe ich dich an.
Once I get home, I’ll call you.

Wenn du Zeit hast, komm vorbei.
If you have time, come by.

Wenn ich Kaffee trinke, schlafe ich schlecht.
Whenever I drink coffee, I sleep badly.

So for speed, don’t think “when = wann.” Think:

English “when” becomes German “wann” only when it means “what time?”

That is the key.

The pair to memorize

This pair is worth drilling:

Wann kommst du nach Hause?
When / what time are you coming home?

Wenn ich nach Hause komme, rufe ich dich an.
When / once I come home, I’ll call you.

Same English word, different German logic.

A quick conversation-speed test

Before speaking, ask yourself one tiny question:

Am I asking about the time?

Yes → wann
No, I am setting up a condition/event → wenn

So:

Wann beginnt der Film?
What time does the movie start?

But:

Wenn der Film beginnt, sei bitte still.
When the movie starts, please be quiet.

Wann bist du fertig?
When / what time will you be finished?

But:

Wenn du fertig bist, sag mir Bescheid.
When / once you are finished, let me know.

Useful shortcut

In many subordinate clauses, English “when” can be replaced by “once.” If once works, German likely wants wenn.

When I arrive, I’ll text you.
Once I arrive, I’ll text you.
Wenn ich ankomme, schreibe ich dir.

When you see him, say hello.
Once/whenever you see him, say hello.
Wenn du ihn siehst, grüß ihn.

But:

When are you arriving?
Once are you arriving? ❌
Wann kommst du an?

That “once test” is probably the fastest practical rule.

Aha. So how would someone say, IF I get home, if we already say WEnn i get home for "once I get home'. !!

Exactly — this is the pressure point. German wenn covers both meanings, so German uses context or a stronger word to disambiguate.

Normal German

Wenn ich nach Hause komme, rufe ich dich an.

This can mean either:

When/once I get home, I’ll call you.
or
If I get home, I’ll call you.

But in ordinary context, people usually hear it as when/once, because getting home is normally assumed.

To make it clearly “if,” use falls

Falls ich nach Hause komme, rufe ich dich an.
If I get home, I’ll call you.

Now there is real uncertainty. Maybe traffic is terrible, maybe you are going somewhere else, maybe the plan may change.

Falls is the clearer “if” when you want to stress uncertainty.

Three useful levels

Sobald ich nach Hause komme, rufe ich dich an.
As soon as I get home, I’ll call you.
Very clearly “once.”

Wenn ich nach Hause komme, rufe ich dich an.
When/if I get home, I’ll call you.
Neutral; often heard as “when.”

Falls ich nach Hause komme, rufe ich dich an.
If I get home, I’ll call you.
Clearly conditional; maybe I won’t.

Even more conditional / elegant

German also has:

Sollte ich nach Hause kommen, rufe ich dich an.
Should I get home, I’ll call you.

This is a bit more formal or literary, but useful. It clearly means “if it happens.”

The practical rule

For speaking:

once / as soon as → sobald
ordinary when/if → wenn
real uncertainty, English “if” → falls

So your sentence pair would be:

Wenn ich nach Hause komme, rufe ich dich an.
When I get home, I’ll call you.

Falls ich nach Hause komme, rufe ich dich an.
If I get home, I’ll call you.

And yes: this is one of those places where English makes one distinction, and German makes a slightly different one.