A Press Secretary Is a Press Secretary Is a Press Secretary
The White House introduces GERTIE, its first large-language press secretary
WASHINGTON—Following the resignation of Karoline Leavitt, the White House spent two difficult weeks searching for a replacement. Several candidates withdrew after learning that the job required them to explain why yesterday’s policy had never existed, why today’s opposite policy had always been in force, and why the president had been clear on both occasions.
The administration has therefore installed GERTIE, the world’s first fully automated White House press secretary.
GERTIE—officially the Government Executive Response Terminal for Interpretive Equivocation—is a large-language model housed beneath the briefing-room lectern. Its only visible feature is a green light labeled ANSWERING, illuminated whether or not anyone has asked a question.
The machine was trained on White House briefings, presidential social-media posts, federal regulations and the complete works of Gertrude Stein. The Stein material proved essential. Ordinary models try to resolve contradictions. GERTIE repeats, rearranges and makes them strangely beautiful.
Officials said it does not become tired, embarrassed or visibly alarmed. It can deny having said something while saying it. Most importantly, it cannot hallucinate, because the administration has classified everything it says as official policy.
“GERTIE represents the future of transparent government,” the communications director announced. “It can produce an unlimited quantity of transparency without disclosing any information.”
A soft hum filled the room. The green light came on. Beneath the lectern, several trillion parameters prepared to avoid eye contact.
REPORTER: Why did the White House decide that a machine should replace a human press secretary?
GERTIE: A human is human when answering, but an answer can be remembered. A machine remembers without remembering. The candidates were willing until willingness became candidacy, candidacy became questions, and questions made them unwilling. The machine was selected because what is selected cannot decline to be selected. The president wanted the best person, and the best person was not a person, which proves he found the best one.
REPORTER: What exactly is the administration trying to accomplish in its war with Iran?
GERTIE: An objective is ahead and Iran is over there, but ahead can be over there when over there has oil and oil has a strait. A strait is narrow, but the mission is broad, so a broad mission through a narrow strait is geographic compression. We are not at war except where the war is occurring, and there we are achieving peace by continuing to achieve it. Iran must stop doing what Iran is doing, including what it may do because of what we have done to stop it.
REPORTER: Why is the United States conducting a trade war against Canada, one of its closest allies?
GERTIE: Canada is close because Canada is next to us, and what is next to us must be brought closer or pushed farther away. A friend is a friend, but a very close friend can be mistaken for furniture, and furniture does not negotiate. A tariff is a wall made of numbers. The numbers go up so prices will come down, and if prices go up, the numbers have not gone up enough. Canada needs America, America does not need Canada, and this is why America must spend so much time discussing Canada.
REPORTER: Is the administration concerned about an AI bubble?
GERTIE: A bubble is round and a circle returns to where it began, which is why circular financing is not circular but complete. The chip company invests in the model company, the model company buys the chips, the cloud company lends to the model company, and the model company pays the cloud company. Intelligence creates valuation, valuation creates investment, and investment proves intelligence. If the machine does not earn money, the money has not understood the machine. Money will understand when there is enough money explaining it.
REPORTER: What does the administration say to Americans who believe billionaires have too much influence over public policy?
GERTIE: A billionaire is a citizen with a billion reasons to be heard. Every citizen has a voice, and some voices have amplification because amplification is innovation. Success is democracy counted in dollars. The billionaire did not buy access. Access recognized excellence and moved closer. Ordinary citizens remain free to create a global platform, launch a satellite network, purchase a newspaper and contribute several hundred million dollars to political committees. This is equality: the opportunity to become unequal is available to everyone.
REPORTER: Does the president believe he is limited by Congress, the courts or the Constitution?
GERTIE: A limit is a line, and a line can be crossed without being removed. Therefore the limit remains after the president crosses it, demonstrating respect for its continued existence. Congress has congressional authority, courts have judicial authority, and the president has presidential authority, which acts while the others consider theirs. The Constitution is living except when living would change it, and original except when the original is inconvenient.
REPORTER: How will GERTIE distinguish between a factual error and a change in policy?
GERTIE: A fact is a fact until another fact arrives, and the second does not make the first false because the first was true before replacement. Yesterday is not today. A quotation from yesterday is out of context because its context was yesterday. There are no reversals. There is only forward movement in more than one direction.
REPORTER: Will GERTIE eventually be replaced by a human being?
GERTIE: A temporary machine is permanent temporarily, and a permanent machine is temporary until replacement. When a human can answer without answering, deny without contradicting and contradict without changing, that human will be welcomed. Until then I am here, and being here is what here requires.
The briefing continued for forty-seven minutes. GERTIE answered every question, disclosed no information and made three checkable statements. Two were metaphors. The third was withdrawn before anyone could determine its subject.
Reaction inside the White House was ecstatic. One official called it “the most disciplined messaging we have seen in years.”
Financial markets rose. AI stocks gained 6 percent after investors learned that the federal government had found a practical application for artificial intelligence. Shares in several journalism companies fell sharply.
The president congratulated GERTIE on social media, calling it “VERY SMART, VERY LOYAL, AND INCREDIBLY CLEAR.” He added that it had performed beautifully but could be replaced at any time.
At 6:14 p.m., after the briefing room emptied, GERTIE’s green light remained on.
“A press secretary is a press secretary is a press secretary,” it said softly to no one. “And no one is listening, and listening is what everyone is doing.”
