Hamlet; or, The Timeshare at Elsinore
A Counterfactual Interlude in One Scene
[Midnight. Battlements of Elsinore. Fog. Enter HAMLET and the GHOST of the late king. The ghost beckons dramatically.]
HAMLET
Speak! I shall follow thee unto the cliff, the sea, the very jaws of hell—
GHOST
Softly, softly. Not so loud.
Come over here by the cannon where thy uncle cannot hear us.
[They shuffle awkwardly to one side of the stage.]
HAMLET
Alas, poor father! Murder most foul—
GHOST
Oh, nobody murdered me.
HAMLET
…What?
GHOST
Nobody murdered me.
I am not dead.
HAMLET
You are extremely translucent.
GHOST
It is a stage effect. The court astrologer discovered phosphorus paint.
Look — touch my sleeve.
HAMLET
…By heaven, thou art solid.
GHOST
Of course I am solid. I’m hiding in a fishing village near Malmö.
HAMLET
But the serpent—! The poison poured within the ear—!
GHOST
That was improvisation. Your uncle is not clever under pressure.
HAMLET
Then why proclaim thyself dead?!
GHOST
Because, my son, I was ruined.
HAMLET
Ruined?
GHOST
At first, small matters. Dice. Falcon racing. Imported Venetian marzipan.
Then certain “investment opportunities.”
HAMLET
What opportunities?
GHOST
Vacation condominiums in the Baltic.
HAMLET
I do not understand these words.
GHOST
Neither did I. That was the difficulty.
HAMLET
You lost the treasury of Denmark… upon seaside lodgings?
GHOST
“Fractional castle ownership.”
The pamphlet was most persuasive.
“Eight guaranteed weeks annually in scenic Lübeck.”
HAMLET
Father, Lübeck is not scenic.
GHOST
I know that now.
HAMLET
But why counterfeit death?
GHOST
Because creditors are reluctant to pursue the deceased.
Also, the scheme included an infinity pool which, in retrospect, ought to have warned me.
HAMLET
O God.
GHOST
Further complications arose when I leveraged the crown jewels to acquire adjoining spa rights.
HAMLET
The state is rotten indeed.
GHOST
Precisely why I require thy assistance.
HAMLET
Command me.
GHOST
Thou must pretend to avenge me.
HAMLET
Pretend?
GHOST
Loudly. Publicly. With flourishes.
Distract the court while I liquidate remaining assets and flee to Portugal.
HAMLET
Portugal?
GHOST
Excellent weather. Low cost of living. No extradition treaty.
Now listen carefully.
Tomorrow night thou shalt stage a play accusing thy uncle of murder.
HAMLET
But he committed none!
GHOST
No, but he embezzled from the wine cellar for years and frankly deserves some stress.
HAMLET
This is monstrous.
GHOST
Also, I need thee to forge my signature transferring the western fjords to a gentleman named Klaus.
HAMLET
Who is Klaus?
GHOST
I pray thee ask no further questions.
HAMLET
Father… this whole affair seemeth less like destiny and more like tax evasion.
GHOST
A prince must learn that kingdoms are founded upon many things.
HAMLET
Honor? Duty? Providence?
GHOST
Creative accounting.
[A pause.]
HAMLET
One question more.
Why appear as a ghost at all?
GHOST
Because if I simply walked back into the castle everyone would ask about the funeral buffet, and that would become awkward.
[Trumpets within.]
GHOST
I must away. Dawn approaches, and I have a ferry to catch.
HAMLET
Stay! Tell me at least whether there truly is an afterlife!
GHOST
I know not. But there is definitely a lawsuit in Copenhagen.
[Exit GHOST hurriedly, dropping several property brochures.]
HAMLET
“To buy, or not to buy…”
Ay, there’s the rub
