Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s Senate Confirmation: A Lewis Black Rant
Ladies and gentlemen, gather ‘round, because what we’ve just witnessed over two days of Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s Senate confirmation hearing was nothing short of a five-star, gourmet, all-you-can-eat buffet of dysfunction. This wasn’t just a political hearing—it was Thanksgiving dinner at your most unhinged relative’s house, where the turkey is somehow both overcooked and raw, and Uncle Bernie is waving a carving knife while shouting about pharmaceutical companies.
Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a slow-motion car accident where all the drivers involved insist they’re the only ones who know how to operate a vehicle, but that’s essentially what happened here. This wasn’t a hearing—it was a two-day migraine performed in real time.
The Set-Up: Why Are We Even Here?
First of all, let’s talk about the casting choice for this circus. RFK Jr., a man whose entire brand has been built on questioning modern medicine, was nominated to run Health and Human Services. That’s like asking a guy who only eats raw meat to be the spokesperson for veganism. It’s like putting a flat-earther in charge of NASA. It’s like hiring Elon Musk to host the Oscars—actually, scratch that, that would at least be funny.
Now, President Trump—who, let’s remember, was responsible for Operation Warp Speed, aka the reason we even got COVID vaccines in record time—decided that RFK Jr. was the guy for the job. You know, the guy who petitioned the FDA to revoke emergency approval for those same vaccines? You’d think that would be a dealbreaker. But no! Because logic is just a loose suggestion at this point.
So, we go into Day One with senators pretending they’re interested in real answers, while RFK Jr. pretends he’s not going to say something that makes everyone’s frontal lobes detach from their skulls.
Day One: We Learn Absolutely Nothing
It all started so nicely. Senator Bill Cassidy even cracked a joke about RFK Jr.'s nephew being a Florida Gator, which is probably the only bipartisan agreement of the entire hearing—because let’s be honest, no one likes Florida Gators fans.
But then, the real show started. Cassidy, who has an actual medical degree, pressed Kennedy on vaccines. And instead of just saying, “Yes, vaccines are safe,” RFK Jr. did what I can only describe as a Cirque du Soleil performance of verbal gymnastics, saying he’s not anti-vaccine, he’s pro-safe-vaccine, which is what everyone who is anti-vaccine says when they don’t want to be called anti-vaccine.
Then came Bernie Sanders. And oh, boy, Uncle Bernie was fired up. He went on a righteous tirade about how people can’t afford healthcare—which, yes, we all know, Bernie! We know! We get it! The system is broken! But this hearing isn’t about fixing it—it’s about figuring out whether the guy who thinks 9/11 might’ve been an inside job should be in charge of public health.
And let’s not forget the Samoa measles moment—where RFK Jr. got accused of being partially responsible for a deadly outbreak. That’s right. One of the actual questions in this hearing was “Sir, did your comments cause people to die of measles?” And his answer?
“That’s not true.”
That’s it! That’s the defense! That’s the legal equivalent of a child getting caught with their hand in the cookie jar and saying, ‘That’s not my hand.’
Day Two: The Wheels Come Off
By Day Two, everyone was exhausted. You could see it in their faces. This wasn’t even a political hearing anymore—this was a hostage situation where the ransom was common sense.
Cassidy came in even more frustrated, demanding a yes or no answer on whether vaccines cause autism. And RFK Jr., in what can only be described as verbal waterboarding, said:
“If you show me data, I will apologize.”
WHAT? The data has existed for YEARS! This was not a trick question! It was the easiest layup in Senate history, and Kennedy bricked it so hard it rebounded into 2005.
Then came Rand Paul, who—get this—actually agreed with Kennedy that public health mandates are too rigid, but even he was like, “Buddy, maybe don’t push your luck with the vaccine stuff.” You know you’ve gone too far when Rand Paul is like, “Let’s rein it in a little.”
But the absolute cherry on this sundae of lunacy was the Lyme Disease Bioweapon Walk-Back. Because, apparently, at some point in his life, Kennedy suggested that Lyme disease was created as a military bioweapon. So, Cassidy asked him point-blank:
“Do you believe Lyme disease was a bioweapon?”
And Kennedy, sweating like a guy in a polygraph test, squirmed, hesitated, and basically whispered:
“I never believed that… but we should always follow the evidence.”
OH. MY. GOD. That is the most conspiracy-theorist answer possible. That’s the equivalent of saying, “I’m not saying Bigfoot is real, but has anyone ever proven he’s NOT?”
Final Verdict: Does He Get Confirmed?
So, where does this leave us? Well, RFK Jr. has managed to do the impossible:
- He made Republicans nervous by being too anti-vaccine.
- He made Democrats furious by being too RFK Jr.
- And he made the entire American public wonder how, in a country of 330 million people, this was the best we could do.
At the end of the day, Republicans have the votes—and even if some have doubts, they probably won’t break ranks. So yeah, Kennedy might actually get confirmed, because no one wants to poke the Trump bear.
And if that happens, prepare yourselves. Because the next four years are about to be a beautiful, baffling, medically dubious rollercoaster ride.
God help us all.
