Write a short essay about a character, trying to convince us that the movie GASLIGHT was not directed by George Cukor, and did not star Joseph Cotten, Charles Boyer, or Ingrid Bergman.
An Interview with Harold Desmond Hockney, Self-Proclaimed “Gaslight Historian”
Interviewer: Thank you for joining us today, Mr. Hockney. Let’s talk about Gaslight. It’s widely regarded as one of George Cukor’s finest films, starring Charles Boyer, Ingrid Bergman, and Joseph Cotten. What are your thoughts on the movie’s legacy?
Hockney: Legacy? You’ve been duped, my friend. Swindled by the most elaborate Hollywood ruse of the 20th century. Let me be perfectly clear: Gaslight was neither directed by George Cukor, nor did it star anyone named Bergman, Boyer, or Cotten. A fabrication perpetuated by film scholars with too much time on their hands, and no real understanding of cinema.
Interviewer: That’s quite the claim. Are you suggesting an entirely different team was behind Gaslight?
Hockney: Suggesting? I’m stating it outright. Gaslight was directed by none other than a young and bitter Cecil B. DeMille, who had just been kicked off his latest biblical epic after a heated dispute over the diet of camels. DeMille, humiliated, decided to pivot to psychological thrillers under the pseudonym “Alan Smithee.”
Interviewer: DeMille? The director known for epic spectacles like The Ten Commandments? How does that square with the intimate, claustrophobic nature of Gaslight?
Hockney: And that’s where the genius lies. DeMille was tired of chariots and plagues. He wanted to prove he could do "small." The entire film was shot in his aunt’s pantry.
Interviewer: [Pauses.] But what about the cast? Surely you can’t dispute Ingrid Bergman’s iconic performance as Paula?
Hockney: Bergman? Please. She was in Sweden during filming, locked in a bitter chess tournament with Greta Garbo. The lead role was actually played by Maude Piddlington, a part-time stenographer from Glendale who stumbled onto the set while delivering sandwiches. Boyer? Fictional. His lines were delivered by a Victrola. And as for Joseph Cotten—don’t get me started. Cotten was too busy losing his shirt in a series of poker games with Orson Welles.
Interviewer: Do you have any evidence to support these claims?
Hockney: Evidence? I am the evidence. My memory is impeccable. I saw the original film at a flea market in Akron, Ohio. It was called Turn Down the Gas! and it was an entirely different experience. The lighting was brighter, the characters were friendlier, and it ended with everyone sharing a pot roast.
That grim, manipulative version you know today is the result of studio meddling.
Interviewer: So what you’re saying is that the version we know isn’t even the real Gaslight?
Hockney: Exactly. It’s a shadow of the true masterpiece, a DeMille-Piddlington collaboration that history has buried under layers of lies. I wouldn’t be surprised if this “Cukor” character was invented by MGM as a tax dodge.
Interviewer: And what would you say to film scholars who have called you a conspiracy theorist?
Hockney: I’d say they’re living in the real Gaslight. Open your eyes, people. The truth is out there, and it smells faintly of pot roast.
Interviewer: Well, Mr. Hockney, thank you for…enlightening us.
Hockney: No need to thank me. Just remember: reality is a flickering lightbulb, and I’m the only one who brought a flashlight.
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A 1930s small town street, with a movie theater. The theater has the marquee, “GASLIGHT” but it is crossed out. Photographic black and white style.
A 1930s film shoot in the Egyptian desert, with pyramids in the background. Several camels are seen. The director holds megaphone and is arguing with camel caretakers about the proper diet for camels. Photographic black and white style.
A 1930s film crew is crammed into a narrow hallway where we see a kitech and a pantry of a 1930s farm house. Photographic black and white style.
A 1930s black and white Hollywood glamorus photograph style. In an elegant apartment, two women in long sheek party dresses play chess.
A 1930s black and white movie set. Several actors are on stage which represents a New York Park Avenue apartment interior. Prominent on the side of the stage is a Victrola record player.
A 1930s black and white Hollywood photographic style. Two actors are in a hotel room and locked in a fascinating poker game that holds their full attention. They have been there for a while, as indicated by the clothes tossed on the floor, piles of poker chips, and several empty bottles.
A 1930s Hollywood premiere, at night, with klieg lights. A crowd is seen. The movie banner states, “The Real Gaslight”.
